People say funny things. Especially when they’re not trying to. Sometimes, I turn the other cheek on the intentional part.
“You know, there are some things you can’t Google.”
Moez S
Oakland, CA
April 2015
–
“That was not a crying event.”
Jeremy G, in reference to a baptism.
Oakland, CA
March 2015
–
“You go to the jungle and those fuckers…everything is neat and clean.”
Adam R, objecting to comparison of kid mess to a jungle.
Sacramento, CA
February 2015
–
“Does this body look like it says no to anything?”
Misha K
Oakland, CA
February 2015
–
“Three sodas?! In one year?!”
Madeline S, sincerely incredulous after being told she could get a soda at lunch before her first Warrior’s game.
Oakland, CA
January 2015
–
“I almost took a dump at Reagan’s Library…or boyhood home. Whatever’s in Illinois.”
Eric S
Berkeley, CA
December 2014
–
“You gotta give up early.”
Justin H
Berkeley, CA
November 2014
–
Michael GW: “You worked at Soup Plantation, right?”
Michael S: “Yeah, my specialty was stocking the jicama.”
Pt. Reyes, CA
November 2014
–
“Well, it is the day after your birthday. So that means I still have to kind of treat you nice.”
Madeline S, after being asked by her father to turn on the light.
Oakland, CA
October 2014
–
“After watching this show, I’m never going to go anywhere or do anything.”
Julie L, on Hannibal (TV show)
Oakland, CA
September 2014
–
“If you know it, you should say the thing you know.”
Emily P, to Brent E, after he tried to argue for a Trivial Pursuit point for the second answer he gave.
Portland, OR
July 2014
–
“I’d take a sandpaper tongue over a slobbery tongue any day.”
Emily P, comparing merits of cat and dog ownership.
Portland, OR
July 2014
–
“Oh good. There’s a chair there.”
Julie L, walking out of a hotel room and noticing an oddly placed chair in the tiny space just outside the hotel room door.
Mill Valley, CA
May 2014
–
“I just don’t want to talk to people…for no reason.”
Julie L, at party with a lot of people she didn’t know, on being out of party-socializing practice.
San Francisco, CA
May 2014
–
Julie L: Are we sitting?
Jonathan S: Do you want to?
Julie L: I don’t know…that seems like a big commitment…
At a grown-up party.
San Francisco, CA
May 2014
–
Jonathan S: “Did he reveal any exploits that you hadn’t seen before?”
Colin F: “Well, he mugged two chickens.”
Regarding Colin having recently played Grand Theft Auto 5 with Jon P for the first time; Jon being notorious for discovering ways to push boundaries of games.
Berkeley, CA
November 2013
–
“It’s still there. You still have fingers. So you keep eating.”
Lexi K, explaining why she can’t stop eating at Ethiopian restaurants.
Berkeley, CA
November 2013
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“So I told her to tell him to come tell me tomorrow and I’ll deal with it. Because I don’t want someone to love me.”
Madeline S, (1st grade) talking about a mystery boy at school who apparently “loves” her.
Oakland, CA
October 2013
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“Y’all are A-holes.”
Julie L, to Jonathan S, after hearing that Madeline had ratted her to the dentist for only brushing her teeth for a short amount of time.
Oakland, CA
October 2013
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“It’s gettin’ a little late for the spice hour.”
Julia M, speculating about whether the Oakland Spice Shop would still be open.
Oakland, CA
September 2013
–
“Alls I’m saying, is if they magically invent a new nut or something…”
Lexi K, at Fenton’s
Oakland, CA
August 2013
–
“Unless I can take it all the way to death, it’s not gonna happen.”
Jon P, explaining why he wouldn’t think of running someone over while driving a go kart.
Livermore, CA
August 2013
–
“It’s great. I mean, I can get in there, and I can do everything that I need to do.”
Misha K, explaining why he loves the Forge in the Forest’s small bathroom.
Carmel, CA
July 2013
–
“You know, just in case of emergency, if the families get split up.”
Misha K, explaining (very seriously and sincerely) his rationale for separating the vast array of leftover cheeses (from the Cheese Shop) between the two houses.
Carmel, CA
July 2013
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Julie L: “What did you have for breakfasts at grandma and grandpa’s?”
Madeline S: “One morning we had omelette, then oatmeal squares, oatmeal squares, oatmeal squares, oatmeal squares, eggs. We had eggs because we ran out of oatmeal squares.”
Oakland, CA
July 2013
–
“I’m not sad anymore because I know that someone that’s really special to me will be there either way.”
Madeline S, after saying goodbye to mommy and sister, on her way to be dropped off at the airport, for first unaccompanied flight, to visit Grandma and Grandpa in LA.
Oakland, CA
June 2013
–
“Maybe she thinks you’re straight.”
Annie C, to Lexi K, about why someone was mean to her.
Berkeley, CA
June 2013
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“That’s actually the only drink that none of us like.”
Server, at Dosa, to Eric S, after he ordered a Cricket Smith from the cocktail menu.
San Francisco, CA
May 2013
–
“When you’re drunk, it doesn’t matter who’s underneath you, who’s above you, or to the side.”
Misha K, apparently talking about sleep.
Oakland, CA
May 2013
–
“It would be such a good series, if they just didn’t have to have torture in every single one.”
Nancy K, referring to the TV show Criminal Minds.
Oakland, CA
May, 2013
–
“What if The Heat were playing The Heat? Then, you would have to root for The Heat.”
Madeline S, to Jonathan S, about his dislike for the Miami Heat and how he always roots against them.
Oakland, CA
June, 2012
–
[anticipating train adventure to Portland, having been recently put to sleep, yelling from bed, behind closed door]
Madeline S: “Are there bathrooms on the train?”
Jonathan S (from other room): “Yes, there are.”
Madeline S: “Okay, good night, Daddy.”
[5 beats later]
Madeline S: “Speaking of bathrooms, I have to go potty.”
Oakland, CA
March, 2012
–
“Raccoons don’t chase cats when they’re inside. Because they don’t have a key.”
Madeline S, concerned about neighbor’s cats and the critters that she believes come out in droves as soon as it gets dark.
Oakland, CA
November, 2011
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“I like when you have to deal with adversity.”
Julie L, explaining her joyful laughter at the tale of her husband trying to take a bath in a tiny bathtub.
Oakland, CA
November, 2011
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“Keep an eye on Raffie because sometimes she likes to follow me.”
Madeline S, referring to her stuffed giraffe, before walking from bed to bathroom (during bedtime routine).
Oakland, CA
November, 2011
–
“Apparently…at swimming class, we left our bag. But not when Mommy’s here, because she didn’t want me to tell you that.”
Madeline S
Oakland, CA
November, 2011
–
“So now we know, if you throw a baby at someone, it might still sting.”
Lexi K
Oakland, CA
August, 2011
–
“You can’t tell me that the scene in the donut shop was enjoyable. I watch TV for enjoyable.”
Julie L, objecting to the opinion that watching a particular episode of the TV show Louie was enjoyable.
Oakland, CA
July, 2011
–
“I’ve decided I’m gonna write a book about infertility. It’s gonna be called ‘I Will Stick You With My Follistim Pen, Bitch’.”
Julie L
Oakland, CA
July, 2011
–
“I’m not saying she’s incompetent, but she has no experience with anything.”
Dan E
Oakland, CA
April, 2011
–
“I want to leave my sweatshirt on because you love it.”
Madeline S, getting home from outing with her daddy.
Oakland, CA
January, 2011
–
“(sincere gasp) They’re adding cilantro to soups now?!”
Julie L, not a big fan of cilantro, having just seen a Progresso TV commercial.
Oakland, CA
November, 2010
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“Oh you go ahead…but I’m not setting myself up for that kind of disappointment ever again.”
Lexi K, declining in dramatic fashion a suggestion to split a vegan cupcake.
Oakland, CA
November, 2010
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Madeline S: “Do you want to smell my poop, Mommy?”
Julie L: “No.”
Madeline S: “Say ‘No thank you”, Mommy.”
Julie L: “No thank you, Maddie.”
Madeline S: “Thank you to say ‘No thank you’, Mommy.”
Oakland, CA
November, 2010
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“My only legitimate arugment…has to do with the apocalypse.”
Eric S, on his reasons for resisting getting a vasectomy.
Oakland, CA
September, 2010
–
“What a terrible time to commit suicide.”
Lexi K, referring to man who commited suicide jumping off a roof at a Swell Season concert.
Oakland, CA
August, 2010
–
“You smell delicious! Or is that me?”
Julie L, to her husband.
Carmel, CA
July, 2010
–
“Okay, well then scratch it and then go wash your hands.”
David K, to his 3 year-old son Aiden, at the dinner table.
Carmel, CA
July, 2010
–
“If you were a woman, Cindy would be in trouble.”
Misha K, to Paul S, in response to Paul’s assertion that ribs are an afternoon snack.
Carmel, CA
July, 2010
–
“You got ‘fisted’! High five!”
Jodie K, to husband, during Boggle word count.
Carmel, CA
July, 2010
–
“Do you know what I realized? We were actually at a Korean whorehouse.”
Misha K, on his realization about an impromptu wedding dress rehearsal karaoke bar adventure.
Carmel, CA
July, 2010
–
“I’m gonna take a couple of ribs and go to bed.”
Paul S
Carmel, CA
July, 2010
–
“But they’re always gardening and making food, so it’s good.”
Paul S, on why the movie “The Kids Are All Right” isn’t such a bad movie.
Carmel, CA
July, 2010
–
“And then I almost cried…out of my mouth.”
Kim S, describing joy of best lunch ever.
San Francisco, CA
June, 2010
–
“Daddy, that’s my love song…about stepping on things.”
Madeline S, in the backseat of the car, having just finished singing her own creation.
Oakland, CA
April, 2010
–
“None of the things over here have touched my pants.”
Michael GW, assuring Eric S of food safe for consumption.
Pescadero, CA
March, 2010
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“And mainly now, I just don’t want my pants to be on me.”
Michael GW, soon after possible poison oak interaction.
Pescadero, CA
March, 2010
–
“Bread is the ice cream of this trip.”
Michael GW, referring to overdone food from previous road trip.
Pescadero, CA
March, 2010
–
Michael GW (looking at perspective photo, just taken): “It’s horrible. It just looks like you’re big and he’s small.”
Eric S: (pause) Well, what were you expecting?”
Pescadero, CA
March, 2010
–
“I’m not avoiding, I’m preparing.”
Jonathan S, defending himself before embarking on hike.
Pescadero, CA
March, 2010
–
“Mmmmmm…I bet they have good something there…”
Michael GW, looking back longingly at Applejack’s restaurant as we drove past.
La Honda, CA
March, 2010
–
“Two BILs squared make a truth.”
Muigai K, explaining how his testimony and that of his brother-in-law would hold up in court.
Oakland, CA
February, 2010
–
“I’ve been here, man. I’ve seen that horse.”
Elliot BW, driving along generic suburban street, with feeling of deja-vu.
San Jose, CA
February, 2010
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“‘Cause I was thinking of raising things, and I looked over there and I saw a hat.”
Lexi K, explaining her suggestion to Joe H for a career change: “raising hats”.
Oakland, CA
January, 2010
–
“Seriously, I could go here for three meals a day. Well, I mean, if the food is good.”
Jonathan S, at Saturn vegetarian diner, excitedly surveying the menu before tasting the food.
Santa Cruz, CA
October 2009
–
“See, I don’t remember saying that, and therefore, you’re wrong.”
Lexi K
Oakland, CA
August 2009
–
Jodie K (to Misha K, typing on his iPhone): “What are you looking up?”
Misha K (matter of factly, without raising his head): “Official height of a midget.”
Carmel, CA
July 2009
–
“I went in for a physical, and he said I was perfect. And then, on the way out, he called me a beast. Actually, maybe he was calling me obese.”
Misha K
Carmel, CA
July 2009
–
“Chairs. Little people. Whatever.”
Jodie K, asked how the chaotic dinner preparation was going.
Carmel, CA
July 2009
–
“You know, I gotta be a disappointment somehow.”
Lexi K
Oakland, CA
July 2009
–
“Look! Bananas dressed up as things!”
Lexi K, expressing delight at costumed banana stickers in Kinokuniya (stationary store).
San Francisco, CA
June 2009
–
“So does everyone who came tonight get a prize?”
Julie L, excitedly inquiring about the traditional triva prizes, at The Steinoff Summer Film Festival, as she eyeballed the low number of attendees.
Oakland, CA
June 2009
–
“I want to be spoon fed my humor these days.”
Julie L
Oakland, CA
June 2009
–
“I don’t want to watch a show about lunatics who are evil, but populate this country.”
Andrew R, on his first impression of Friday Night Lights (which he later turned out to love).
Oakland, CA
June 2009
–
“Seriously, I would give myself a breathalyzer right now.”
Jonathan S, driving home, poorly, after drinking his first (incredibly strong) Bittersweet hot chocolate.
Oakland, CA
June 2009
–
“Wait, wait. We’re bonding.”
Paul S, protesting his dad getting up to leave the room, said dad having grown tired of Paul’s rapid-fire, non-stop storytelling.
Los Angeles, CA
May 2009
–
“Have I ever yelled at the concentration camp survivor? No.”
Paul S, defending his combative behavior towards annoying neighbors.
Los Angeles, CA
May 2009
–
“You can ask this woman what she likes about it. I mean, she’s wearing a nice jacket.”
Lexi K, referring to carrot cupcakes, and who might be better suited to judge them.
Oakland, CA
April 2009
–
“I just want to gloat if I’m right.”
Lexi K, declining to wager anything tangible on a bet.
Oakland, CA
April 2009
–
“I don’t want anything from Tibet.”
Julie L, walking by Tibetan gift shop.
Albany, CA
April 2009
–
“You know, ’cause I fancy myself a bit of a Huck Finn.”
Merewyn L, on her willingness to pee in nature.
April 2009
–
“It’s gotta be tough, you know, to live in those days.”
Will W, while watching Fellowship of the Ring, referring to Middle Earth.
Oakland, CA
April 2009
–
“You have to push on this. It feels awesome.”
Lexi K, referring to a mushy Chinese baked good.
Oakland, CA
February 2009
–
“I should be Special Ops, if you didn’t have to do anything.”
Paul S
Los Angeles, CA
February 2009
–
“I get a lot of things from somewhere.”
Lexi K, attempting to explain the origin of her sayings.
Oakland, CA
February 2009
–
“‘Cause it’s a tow truck with a face on it.”
Michael GW
December 2008
–
“Uh oh. My people are on the rack.”
Lexi K, at Colonial Donuts, referring to the hot glazed.
Oakland, CA
November 2008
–
“Your hands are so soft. It’s like they’re made of dead fetuses.”
Joe H, to Jonathan S.
Santa Cruz, CA
October 2008
–
“…reasonably bisexual…”
Brent E
September 2008
–
“You can’t put enchiladas in a box.”
Colin F, finishing up dinner at a restaurant.
San Francisco, CA
September 2008
–
“I need somebody to high-five.”
Colin F, unhappy about the prospect of having to be a one-man Trivial Pursuit team (against everybody else).
Oakland, CA
October 2006
–
“If it wasn’t for insistent women, I’d still be a virgin today.”
Security guard, in world-weary tone, to office building visitor.
Oakland, CA
September 2006
–
“I played basketball in the dirt and I showered with a hose!”
Peter R, during Sarah and Forrest’s wedding weekend.
Mill Valley, CA
July 2006
–
“He did the burrito. The burrito fucked him.”
Marc S, about Mugiai and the supposed never-fail fever swaddling treatment.
Los Angeles, CA
June 2006
–
“If a tree falls in the woods…amen.”
Paul S
Los Angeles, CA
June 2006
–
“But sex and pineapple are two very different things.”
Nancy P
Oakland, CA
June 2006
–
“Baseball is not a catbus.”
Michael GW
Brooklyn, NY
April 2006
–
“You want to know what my new controversial sports opinion is now?”
Dan E
San Francisco, CA
June 2005
–
“Can I see your drawing that didn’t win?”
Sarah M, to Stephen C, after a head-to-head (All Play) round of Pictionary.
Santa Cruz, CA
March 2005
–
“I think I have glass in my underwear.”
Jonathan S, to Michael GW, minutes after their car accident.
Oakland, CA
January 2005
–
“That’s so funny…’cause one of my favorite things is merged animals.”
Monika D, at ultimate frisbee tournament weekend.
Chico, CA
August 2004
–
“Dude, I had prostitutes in the car…and then I killed them!”
Meredith A, teacher, feminist and hater of violence, speaking on her surprising new addiction to the videogame Grand Theft Auto.
January 2004
–
“I don’t believe in ketchup.”
Adam B
July 2003
–
“Is it okay if I pour club soda on your pants?”
Sarah J, to Michael GW after a red wine crotch mishap.
June 2003
–
“Your family is killing the Earth.”
Dan E, to Adam R, in response to the large number of children in his family.
April 2003
–
“I’m curious why you didn’t finish your cookie…which I just ate.”
Julie L, to her dear husband, in front of the in-laws.
March 2003
–
“Yesterday, someone was talking about something…”
Brent E, known for his somewhat ambiguous declarations.
July 2002
–
“But love moves differently than pancakes.”
Dan E, at the grand opening of the Emeryville IHOP, expounding on the subtly different sensations in the stomach.
Emeryville, CA
July 2002
–
“…I thought Eric was cool…I was really naive.”
Sarah J, recalling travelling to LA with Eric soon after they first met.
April 2002
–
“Me either.”
Eric S, in response to Michael’s expression of regret that he didn’t catch the opportunity to see Eric’s girlfriend’s breast at a high school party, when her bathing suit top momentarily came off.
December 2001
–
“Ooooh – I can’t wait to be a chicken!”
Marion W, excited about her upcoming Halloween costume.
October 2001
–
“Does he like blueberry jam? Are you kidding me – he wants to marry his granddaughter – I think he’ll be fine with the blueberry.”
Anthony M, responding to Erin G’s worry about what flavor of jam her aging grandfather would prefer.
April 2001
–
“Where’s the appendix? ‘Cause I think I just ruptured it.”
Paul S, his first words as he walked in the door to his parent’s house.
December 2000
–
“Eric, do all Canadians eat raw meat?”
Paul S, to Eric S (Canadian).
December 2000
–
“You know, I remember when… (pause) you know – I really don’t remember.”
John W, exhausted afer opening night of one of his plays, attempting to recount a story.
October, 2000
–
“Personally, I need to get burped.”
Paul S, 27 years of age, addressing a group including his parents, after having consumed a large meal and 40 oz. of beer.
Carmel, CA
August 2000
–
“I was about to say ‘somebody farted’, but then I realized it was me.”
Michael GW
Shasta, CA
July 2000
–
“Whoa! Where’d my pants go?!”
Michael GW
Shasta, CA
July 2000
–
“You guys have been bad-mouthing my corn from day one.”
Michael GW
Shasta, CA
July 2000
–
“I’ll see you laytah.”
Michael GW, whispering seductively to his Drumstick ice cream treat as he placed it back in its wrapper.
Shasta, CA
July 2000
–
“Hold on. I need to get some Oreos for the road.”
Jonathan S, in all seriousness, to Eric S, before embarking on their trek from the couch to the deck, 10 feet away.
Shasta, CA
July 2000
–
“I don’t know what you’re talking about – I smoke less than the two of you…combined!”
Britta Z, explaining just how little she smokes.
June 2000
–
“Okay – you know Hostess? They make snacks.”
Merewyn L, with a smart-ass reply to a question about a Twinkie/Ding-Dong comment she had made.
June 2000
–
“I’ve been hitting the white horse, baby.”
Julia M, jokingly referring to her cocaine use, during a discussion of the movie Hurly Burly.
March 2000
–
“Their frogginess is largely irrelevant.”
Nancy P, in reference to amphibious assassins (during Dungeons & Dragons session).
March 2000
–
“You add the titties, I’ll laugh.”
Michael GW, responding to Eric S’s previous failed attempts to make him laugh, and Eric’s final success through pinching his shirt out in front of him.
July 1999
–
“It’s like Christmas…in December.”
Stephanie M, O’Melveny & Myers co-worker.
December 1998
–
“Porta-walkie”
Michael GW’s name for moving walkways in airplane terminals.
May 1998
–
“So, what are we going to do to entertain me tonight?”
Julie L
January 1998
–
“For my purposes, I don’t believe in Italian food.”
Axel A (during a late night at O’Melveny & Myers).
San Francisco, CA
January 1998
–
“Well, that explains the voodoo that she do.”
Dean P, when told that a person had been born in Hawaii.
Berkeley, CA
August 1996
–
“Man, those days with the avacados – those were the glory days.”
Michael GW, fondly recalling times spent in countries where avacados were available.
Krakow, Poland
June 1996
–
“I got my world rocked on the rodeo.”
Allison O, about fair ride.
Madrid, Spain
June 1996
–
“The secret could be: the crust sucks…now you know why they keep it a secret.”
Michael GW, at a pizza place, whose slogan read “The Secret’s In The Sauce”.
Barcelona, Spain
June 1996
–
“That’d be cool to play Scrabble with just nonsense words…you’d probably be able to use all your letters every time.”
Michael GW
Boston, MA
November 1995
–
“Il est diffiçile pour moi de se marier parce que je détéste tout le monde.”
Peter D (Cal French Professor)
Berkeley, CA
November 1995
–
“He doesn’t deserve to be in contact with other human beings.”
Julia M, referring to Scott, the T.A. from hell.
Berkeley, CA
March 1995
–
“I need to hire somebody to break these shoes in for me.
Dean P
Berkeley, CA
January 1995
–
“I preceded Christ by one week.”
Leonard K, born Dec. 18th
Berkeley, CA
November 1994
–
“…I don’t know…that whole girl/guy bathroom thing really scares the shit out of me.”
Todd V, visiting the Berkeley dorms for the first time, on coed bathrooms.
Berkeley, CA
August 1994
–
“Who’s the guy who kinda hangs around with Christ?”
Todd V, trying to remember Harvey Keitel’s role in Last Temptation of Christ.
Berkeley, CA
August 1994
–
“Here’s an idea: try scoring.”
Anonymous spectator at high school basketball game to Julia M, player, at halftime – when her team was down 42-0. The final score was 76-2 (Julia didn’t score).
Washington, D.C.
December 1990